


Young and Whole Men Do Not Necessarily Remain So

by youngscrappynhungry



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Coming Out, Drinking, F/M, Hook-Up, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, James Potter and Lily Evans Wedding, M/M, Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks Wedding, Unrequited Love, Weddings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-18
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-06-29 08:44:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15725940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youngscrappynhungry/pseuds/youngscrappynhungry
Summary: If it was impossible to love two people, then who did he love now?  He thought of Sirius and immediately felt like he lost Tonks.  When he thought of Tonks, he felt like he was betraying Sirius.





	1. I Have to Tell You Something

**Author's Note:**

> My overarching goal with this work is to tell the story of Sirius and Remus, but set alongside Remus's relationship with Tonks. Basically trying to work Wolfstar into canon, WHERE IT BELONGS.
> 
> The timeline will be non-linear and filled with flashbacks so hopefully it doesn't get too confusing.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> July 1997

“I have to tell you something,” Remus said to himself in the mirror. He had been rehearsing this speech for a long time, perhaps his whole life. Of course he was originally tempted to say “We need to talk,” but everyone knows what  _ that _ means. He didn’t want to break up with Tonks—he just had to tell her something. 

He ran the next line through his head, as he had hundreds of times. He could never force the words out, even alone in the bathroom. He tried whispering them, shouting them, singing them, but just couldn’t.

“Sirius is—” he began. “Sirius was— Sirius and I— I loved Si—” He could never get past the first three syllables.

It’ll be like drinking the Wolfsbane potion, he thought. It was foul and disgusting, but it needed to be done. It was best to just throw the whole thing back with no hesitation. Just get it over with.

He took a deep breath, splashed some water on his face, and took another deep breath. He couldn’t wait any more, he was running out of time before the wedding.

Feeling nervous and sick to his stomach, he stepped into their bedroom, where Tonks was lying in bed, shooting sparks from her wand. One thing he loved about Tonks was her ability to just do nothing. She didn’t have to be reading, or talking, or moving around the room touching things. She could just lie on the bed, doing lazy magic.

He sat down on the bed next to her. He was sweating and there was a lump in his throat. It was now or never.

“Ihavetotellyousomething,” he spat out. 

Tonks dropped her wand, the sparks fizzling out. “Okay,” she said suspiciously as she sat to attention on the bed.

This was the hard part, the part he hadn’t been able to say yet. He knew he had to tell her, but his mind went blank and he couldn’t remember the words.

He was taking too long, he could tell by Tonks’s face that she was getting nervous. She tilted her head and raised her eyebrows, saying silently,  _ Okay…? _

“I have to tell you something,” he said again.

“Then tell me,” she said impatiently. Remus couldn’t tell if she was annoyed or worried.

“It’s about my past.”

Remus was hoping Tonks would say something, help progress this difficult conversation. But of course she didn’t. She kept her eyes focused on Remus, not giving anything away.

_ Wolfsbane, _ Remus thought.  _ Just get it over with. _ “Sirius and I were sleeping together,” he blurted out, then winced. He hadn’t  _ quite _ meant to say it like that. In his mind, when he was going over what he was going to say, it had always sounded more eloquent. He wanted to emphasize the romantic nature of their relationship, to stress what Sirius meant to him, while at the same time not invalidating his feelings for Tonks or making her feel like she was a rebound. It was a very delicate subject, of course, so naturally he wanted to bring it up in the most delicate way possible. Instead he talked about the sex part. To his fiance. Great.

That’s what you get for not practicing out loud.

Tonks’s face finally betrayed her thoughts. She had a mixed look of confusion, disgust, and hurt.  _ At least she’s not angry— _ Remus started to think.  _ Oh, nope, there it is _ .

“You  _ what _ ?” she barked.

“No, that’s not right, well, it is true, but I didn’t mean for it to come out like that—”

“How did you mean to say it then? Sorry, Tonks,” she was doing a mock-Remus voice, “even though we’re supposed to get married in  _ three bloody days _ , I’m going to spring this on you out of the blue and remind you that I never wanted to marry you in the first place.”

“No! That’s not—”

“What the bloody hell is wrong with you?” Tonks shoved Remus in the chest and got up from the bed, leaving the room and slamming the door behind her.

Well. That went just about as awfully as he had expected.

-~-~-~-

It’s true, Remus didn’t want to marry Tonks the first time she’d asked. Or the second time, or the third time, or the hundredth time. 

“Marry me,” she said the first time. They were lying in bed, sharing a cigarette, after having a particularly  _ rousing _ night.

Remus smiled and took another drag. When he offered it to Tonks, she pushed it away. “Marry me,” she repeated. She was looking over at Remus and for a moment, he wanted to. She was so full of energy and light, her face glowing in the shadow of her orgasm. Remus wanted to look at her forever.

He shook his head in good humor. “You’re incorrigible.” 

“I’m serious!” she said, a smile on her face. “Marry me.”

Remus’s heart sank, and his smile fell a little. Tonks wasn’t the first one to say those words to him. A long time ago, at James and Lily’s wedding, Sirius had said those same words with that same smile on his face.

Was it right for him to want to marry Tonks?

“You know I can’t marry you,” Remus said, trying to play off Tonks’s remarks as a joke. “I’m much too old.”

Tonks rolled her eyes. “Not old enough to be my dad; now  _ that _ would be too old.”

“I’m too poor,” he said.

“I’ve got money, we can manage.”

“I’m too dangerous.”

She nipped his neck with her teeth. “Me too,” she growled.

Remus laughed. He shook his head and leaned in to kiss Tonks. He hoped this would be the end of it. Tonks did stop talking about it that time, but it was far from over.

It became somewhat of a ritual between them. “Marry me,” Tonks would say. “I can’t,” Remus would say. Then they would roll over, or kiss, or go through separate doors, or focus their attention back on Order meetings. Lupin liked that Tonks asked—and Tonks liked asking.

One day, they were in the kitchen doing the dishes after an Order dinner meeting. Molly was moving in and out between the kitchen, dining room, and entryway; she was saying goodbye to guests and putting things back in their place.

Remus was moving his wand over the sink full of dirty dishes, washing them each individually with magic, and then handing them to Tonks, who would dry them with her wand and pile them neatly in a stack next to her.

They were having a good time, bumping elbows on purpose and trying to get the other to drop their dish. They were laughing, but suddenly stopped. They forgot about the dishes dangling in mid-air, and just looked at each other. 

“Let’s get married,” Tonks said eagerly, her eyes and voice filled with infatuation. This wasn’t her normal, playful Marry Me. This was different. It was purposeful.

Remus’s face dropped into a sullen expression. “Tonks—” he began.

“Lupin,” she snapped back, instantly losing her smile and sense of humor.

“I— you know I can’t marry you—”

Remus was trying to find the right words that would say what he needed to say, without giving away anything he couldn’t. 

How was he supposed to tell her that she had been the only woman he ever loved, but not the only person? That he was glad to be with her now, but it was unfortunate circumstances that brought them together? That if he could have chosen, he would have chosen someone else?

No one deserved that. Remus never thought of her as playing second fiddle, but the truth remained that if Sirius hadn’t died, Remus would have liked to still be with him.

Remus couldn’t marry Tonks because he couldn’t give all of himself to her. Part of him—a big part—still belonged to Sirius.

“You know I don’t care about any of those things,” Tonks whispered angrily. She knew Molly was bobbing about somewhere, which was the only reason she wasn’t shouting. She was referring, of course, to Remus’s continued excuses of too old, too poor, too dangerous.

“Well I do,” Remus said defiantly. He didn’t think he was good enough for Tonks. Even if that wasn’t the entire truth, it was the truth nonetheless. “You have no idea what a stigma it would be if you were married to a werewolf.”

“It can’t be much worse than sleeping with one,” she retorted.

“Tonks,” Remus pleaded. His full attention was on her now, his body turned away from the dishes entirely. “I—”

“No, nevermind,” Tonks said angrily. She lowered her wand and the dishes fell to the ground in a loud crash; Remus was quite sure she had done it on purpose. She shoved him out of the way with her shoulder and ran out of the room, her hands wiping tears out of her face as she went.

Remus watched the door she’d slammed, thinking about how rotten his circumstances were. He felt awful and wanted to chase after her, but he just stood there. Not a moment later, Molly came through the door, looking flustered.

“Remus, what happened?”.

“Oh, nothing, Molly, sorry,” Remus said, awaking from his trance. He turned toward the dishes on the floor and started repairing them. “I’ll get this cleaned up, don’t worry—”

“No, dear, I was referring to Tonks,” she said, joining Remus and repairing the last couple dishes. She put her hand on his arm gently. “What happened?”

Molly was looking at Remus with the same face his mother had on the days after the full moon: full of concern and worry and love. When he was a child, he lied to make his mother feel better. But now, all he wanted to do was tell Molly the truth, so  _ he _ could feel better.

He shook his head; of course he couldn’t tell Molly the truth.

“Oh, just a bit of a domestic,” he said.

Molly, seeing right through him, ushered him to the bench on the wall nearest them and made him sit next to her. He was okay with that. He didn’t deserve to be comforted, but he still wanted to be.

Molly wrapped her arm around him, her hands squeezing both of his biceps. “What happened?” she asked softly.

Remus shrugged. “Just—” he sighed. “Tonks wants to get married.”

Remus and Tonks hadn’t exactly gone public with their relationship. But everyone knew anyway. It was pretty obvious; they were constantly together, always sat next to each other, and if you paid attention, it was easy to figure out they slept in the same room. Just the way it was with Sirius, but he was pretty sure no one knew about him and Sirius. The relationship they’d had didn’t lend itself to being perceived as romantic, the way his and Tonks’s did.

“Oh, that’s wonderful!” Molly beamed.

Remus shrugged.

Molly was the type of listener who just listened. She kept her eyes on Remus, never looking away, and he could tell she was actually thinking about what he was saying, and not thinking of what she would say next.

“I can’t marry her,” Remus finally said.

Molly continued to focus on Remus. Her silence eventually drew out more from him.

“I’m too old, I’m too poor, I’m a bloody  _ werewolf _ for crying out loud.” His voice was desperate; he wanted Molly to understand without having to tell her everything.

Molly shook her head slowly, as if refraining from going  _ tsk, tsk _ . “Remus, you know she doesn’t care about that. She just wants to be with you.”

Remus buried his head in his hands. That was the problem. Tonks could forgive those things, but could she forgive everything with Sirius? How could she, if she didn’t even know about them? He knew he should have told Tonks about Sirius ages ago, maybe even before their first kiss. Maybe even when Sirius was still alive. But it was too late now, his lie was bigger than he was. 

Part of the problem was that he didn’t want to tell her. Remus was being selfish and he knew it. They had kept their secret hidden in so many different layers of their lives, from the first time they started exploring each other in sixth year, up until Sirius’s death. It seemed wrong for Remus to share Sirius with Tonks without his permission.

“Aren’t you being a little ridiculous, Remus?” continued Molly gently. For a second, Remus thought she had been reading his mind. Then he remembered the conversation he was in, and tried pulling himself out of thoughts of Sirius.

“Molly, she wants the wrong things. I can’t give her what she wants.” He stood up and left the room defeated. Molly watched him go.

-~-~-~-~-~-

Remus waited in their bedroom, feeling morose and sick to his stomach. Of course he should have told her sooner, but at least he did tell her. At least he got it out before their wedding.  _ If there is still a wedding, _ Remus realized with a sinking feeling.

He sat on the bed and held back tears. He wanted to follow Tonks but wasn’t sure if he should. Does she want to be alone? Does she want him to follow her? Is she even still in the apartment? Remus hadn’t heard any Disapparating or doors closing.

He got off the bed and followed Tonks out of the room. He would just see where she was and what she was doing, and he could leave her alone if she wanted.

She was in their living room, her back to him and her knees pulled up to her face. Her hair was a dull, lifeless brown, and it was long enough to drape in front of her face like a curtain. Her shoulders were shaking; she was crying.

Remus went around to the couch and put his hand on her shoulder. She didn’t move, which wasn’t a good thing, but at least she hadn’t shrugged him off, which wasn’t a bad thing.

Remus stood there, letting her cry and thinking of something to say.

“Tonks,” he began. No response. “Tonks, I love you.”

“Pff,” she exhaled.

“I do, I love you.”

Tonks’s head shook under her curtain of hair. “How could you not tell me?” she asked without looking up.

“I wanted to, I did.” Remus realized he was making excuses. Tonks deserved, at the very least, a man who owned up to his mistakes. “I should have. I should have told you sooner, I’m sorry.”

Tonks continued to shake her head. “How long?”

“How long what?”

“How long were you with Sirius?”

Remus winced at the name. It always stung when someone brought up Sirius, but in this context it was particularly cutting. He had to get past it though, he owed that much to Tonks.

It was a long story. Would he have to tell the whole thing to Tonks? He hadn’t thought of that yet. Did she deserve the full story? What part of it still belonged to him and Sirius alone? Did his duty lie with Tonks to be open and honest, or with Sirius to keep sacred the most intimate details of their life together?

“Well, about a year before he...before he...died,” Remus choked out. Remus wasn’t sure how much Tonks would want to know. Was she asking how long they’d been together this time, or how long they’d been together total? He decided he had hidden enough from her so far—he was going to tell her the whole truth now. “And, you know, before that— before Azkaban— about… about five years.”

Tonks’s shoulders stopped moving, it looked like she stopped crying. She was probably in shock, Remus reasoned.

“How old were you?” she asked him, too calmly.

“When?”

“When you first got together.” Tonks’s clear, even voice was making Remus scared. It felt like the eye of the storm.

“Sixteen. And a half.” 

“Who knew?”

“When we were sixteen?”

“The last two years.”

“No one, really. Dumbledore. Maybe a couple others guessed.” Remus was pretty sure Snape had figured it out, but he couldn’t bring himself to say his name. “Sirius didn’t want Harry to know.”

Remus stood there, his hand still on her shoulder. It seemed like Tonks was done asking questions, so Remus moved to sit by her. She shifted slightly, so she was further away from him.

Finally she picked her head up from her knees and looked at Remus through strands of colorless hair. Her eyes were red and puffy, and her entire face was wet. She was staring at Remus, as if trying to read him, trying to decipher some code she hadn’t realized was there.

“Did you love him?”

“Yes.”

“Do you still love him?”

“He’s dead.”

“Do you still love him?”

At once, tears came streaming down Remus’s face. He had never been forced to think about whether or not he stilled loved Sirius; every time the thought tried to surface, he would shove it right back down.

“Yes,” he said truthfully, finally confronting it. The tears were coming heavy now, his eyes squinting so he could still see Tonks’s face. “But I love you too.”

Tonks shook her head at him, as a  _ no _ . “No, you don’t,” she said defiantly. “You can’t love two people at once.”

Remus had never wondered before if it was possible to love two people at the same time. He’d never had to. He knew that his whole life he’d been in love with Sirius; but he also knew that he was in love with Tonks now. Why did he have to choose? Sirius wasn’t even an option anymore. Did Remus really have to give him up entirely before he could move on?

If it was impossible to love two people, then who did he love now? He thought of Sirius and immediately felt like he lost Tonks. When he thought of Tonks, he felt like he was betraying Sirius. 

“Tonks, please,” Remus begged. “I love you, I want to marry you—”

“Pff,” Tonks interrupted.

Remus talked right over her. “—I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I want to wake up every morning and see your face. I want to laugh with you and cook with you and fight evil with you. Tonks, I love you and I’m choosing you.”

The corner of Tonks’s mouth ticked upward. It wasn’t a smile—far from it—but it was something. Remus stayed silent, he didn’t want to talk himself into a hole.

“I’m not sure how I feel,” Tonks said at last. She was no longer angry; just matter-of-fact. “This is a lot to process, Remus.”

Remus nodded his head frantically. “Of course it is.”

“You should have told me sooner.”

“I know.”

“More than  _ three days _ before our wedding.”

Remus nodded. Was there still a wedding?

“I’m going to have more questions.”

“Of course. You can ask me anything, anything.” Occasionally, a rogue tear would still escape Remus’s eye.

“You have to tell me the truth.”

“I will.”

“The  _ whole _ truth.”

“I will, I will.” More tears were coming down Remus’s cheeks.

Tonks leaned over and buried her head in Lupin’s chest. He rested his head on hers, and watched her hair turn from light brown to a very faded pink. He knew she meant it as a sign that they were going to be okay.

They were going to be okay.

  
  
  



	2. When Remus Started Drinking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> November 1981-1982

Remus was in the country when he heard the news. James, Lily, Peter... gone. Harry... orphaned. Sirius... Sirius... He came home as soon as he could—or at least, to the place he once called “home.”

It didn’t quite feel like home anymore. Everything in the flat looked like a lie—that’s the couch Sirius would sit on. That’s the fridge Sirius would eat from. That’s the bed Sirius would kiss me in. Everywhere he looked was another lie.

That first night, he collapsed on the floor. He wanted to cry or scream, but couldn’t find the strength to do either. Instead he just tried to think of nothing, and wound up thinking of everything. Each speck of dust and piece of lint on the ground screamed  _ Sirius!  _

How long had Sirius been lying to him? How long had he been working for You Know Who? And, more importantly,  _ why?  _ How could he? 

Sirius had never been anything but a good friend. He didn’t abandon Remus when he found out he was a werewolf. He joined the Order even when it was dangerous. He risked his own life, on multiple occasions, to save his friends’.

Of course, there was a time when Sirius risked someone else’s life, just because he thought it’d be funny. As a general rule, Remus preferred not to think about that night with Snape. But he couldn’t get it out of his mind.

Sirius, they’d said, was laughing when they found him.

—

Remus fell asleep like that, dreaming the same nightmare he was living.

The next morning, he woke up to knocks at the door. Remus squeezed his eyes shut harder, trying to ignore the knocks.

“Department of Magical Law Enforcement!” a stern voice came through the door.

Remus didn’t move immediately. He didn’t really care what happened to him at this point. They couldn’t throw him in Azkaban for not opening a door.  _ And if they did, so what?  _ Instead, he covered his ears with his hands and hoped they would go away.

More knocks. Well, if it’ll make the knocking stop, he might as well.

Remus dragged himself off the floor, his bones aching. He was used to sleeping on the ground, but that didn’t make it any more pleasant. 

He opened the door and there were two wizards standing there, in the customary navy blue robes. One of them had a bushy mustache.

“Are you Remus Lupin?” the clean-shaven officer asked him.

“Yes.”

“We’re from the Department of Magical Law Enforcement,” he repeated.

“Yes, I know,” Remus said curtly. Then, trying to sound less impolite, added, “Won’t you come in?” Maybe he  _ did _ care if he was sent to Azkaban, after all.

The officers stepped into the flat.

“I haven’t got much to offer you—” Remus began.

“That’s quite alright,” the first officer cut him off. “We are here strictly on business.”

The two officers sat down on their couch— _ my couch,  _ Remus corrected himself—stiff-backed and all business.

“We need to ask you a few questions about Sirius Black,” the mustached man said.

Remus’s heart sank and a tickle grew in his throat. He coughed to clear it.

“Yes?” he said calmly, as he lowered himself into the chair facing  _ his _ couch. He rested his hands on his knees, trying to act casual and failing miserably.

“Are you aware of what happened on the night of November 1st, Mr. Lupin?”

Remus, suddenly unable to speak, nodded his head solemnly.

The officers stayed for about an hour. They asked Remus all kinds of questions; how long had he known Sirius (eleven years), did he know he was working for You Know Who (no), what was the nature of their relationship (complicated).

When they seemed to have everything they needed, they left Remus alone in his flat.

And that’s when Remus started drinking.

—

He went to the only place he knew: the Three Broomsticks in Hogsmeade. Drinking at a bar is sad, but drinking alone makes you an alcoholic. Plus, Remus had spent the last few weeks isolated from most human contact; he wanted to be around people, even if he didn’t want to talk to them.

He sat at the bar, looking morose and feeling like a busted dungbomb. But he was the only one not celebrating. Even the bartender couldn’t keep from smiling.

“What’ll it be, then?” he asked Remus, completely missing his sunken face (or not caring). “We’ve a special going on, s’called the Harry Potter, it’s a shot of—”

Remus cut him off as quickly as he could. “Just your strongest drink, please, and no specials.” He sounded a lot angrier than he meant. The bartender clearly didn’t mind; his smile never faded as he poured Remus a large glass of Firewhiskey and slid it down the bar.

Remus was on his third glass when a rowdy crowd of men in their thirties, Remus guessed, came barging into the bar. He didn’t recognize any of them because they must have graduated Hogwarts long before he even started. It looked like they had already been drinking for quite a while before stumbling into the Three Broomsticks.

“Hey, hey boys—drinks are on me!” one of them shouted. The rest whooped and hollered. “Long live the Boy Who Lived!”

“Long live the Boy Who Lived!” his friends repeated. “Long live the Boy Who Lived!” They wandered through the bar chanting, enticing the rest of the patrons to join in.

One of them came up to Remus and put his hand around his shoulders. “Long live the Boy Who Lived!” he shouted in Remus’s ear.

Remus winced in pain, but held up his glass unenthusiastically.

“What’s the matter, you a Death Eater or somethin’?” he asked, still too loud.

Remus shook his head and rolled his eyes.

“Well then what’s got your Nargles in a twist? Didn’t you hear the good news?”

Remus downed his drink, left a few Galleons on the counter, and Apparated back home.

And that’s when Remus started going to Muggle bars.

—

“Hey, sweetie.”

Remus didn’t look up from his drink; he just lifted his eyebrows in response to the young girl who sat next to him at the bar.

“What’s the matter?” she asked gently, leaning closer. She smelt like hairspray and raspberry vodka.

Remus swirled the ice around in his glass.

“Heartbreak?” She stroked his forearm.

He shrugged.

“What happened to her, sweetie?” she crooned, not taking her eyes or hand off Remus.

Remus put his glass down and looked at her for the first time. She had a lot of makeup on, but not in a bad way. He supposed she must be pretty, but he wasn’t quite capable of judging that right now.

Remus stared at her straight in the eye and said flatly, “Sent to prison.”

The girl’s eyes grew wide in shock, then fascination. She leaned closer and whispered, “For what?”

“Murder.”

She jumped back, but tightened her grip on Remus’s arm.

Remus continued. “Killed my two best friends, one of their wives, and twelve witnesses.”

The girl, uneasy, let go of Remus’s arm and backed away from him slowly. She looked quickly behind her, as if she heard someone calling her name. She turned around and ran off, without saying a word to Remus.

Remus finished his drink.

And that’s when Remus started going to gay bars.

—

His first night, he walked in a little nervous, his hands in his pockets and trying to blend into the wallpaper.

He sat at the bar, ordered a drink, and another, and another. When the bartender finally cut him off, he nodded, defeated, and went to the bathroom to Apparate home.

He did that every night for a few weeks, then every other night. He started paying more attention to his surroundings. There were the regulars, like him, and the semi-regulars (the ones who only came on the weekends). There were college girls and bachelorettes just looking to dance without men groping them. And there were newbies, entering the bar just as scared and nervous as he was the first time.

Men would occasionally hit on him, but Remus always ignored them. He liked being left alone, and most people figured that out pretty quick.

About a year after Everything, he was in his usual spot, sipping his usual drink. He was down to only a few drinks a week now, something he was quite proud of, all things considered.

A man Remus hadn’t seen before sat near him at the bar. He caught Remus’s attention because he wasn’t a normal newbie. He was confident and looked like he belonged here. He had longish blonde hair and a short, stubbly beard. Remus couldn’t help but stare at him.

The man ordered a drink, then turned away from the bar to watch the dance floor. Remus followed his gaze but just saw the same people dancing to the same boring Muggle songs.

Remus looked back at the blonde man, who noticed. He returned Remus’s stare and lifted an eyebrow...something Sirius used to do. Remus’s insides clenched and squirmed.

Remus could feel himself smiling for the first time in a long time. Embarrassed, he grabbed his drink and tried to hide his smile with the glass.

The blonde man moved into the seat right next to Remus, but stayed facing the dance floor.

“Hey,” he said to Remus.

“Hey,” Remus responded. It was probably one of the only things he’d ever said to someone here, other than the bartender.

“Can I buy you a drink?”

Remus looked down at his half-full glass, his third (and anticipated last) drink of the night. “Sure.”

Blondie nodded to the bartender and then nodded toward Remus. He was very suave about it; Remus had been coming here for the better part of a year and still couldn’t have pulled that off.

“What’s your name?”

“Ben,” Blondie said. “Yours?”

“Remus.”

Ben laughed a little. “Where’d you come up with that one?”

Remus was confused. “My parents gave it to me.”

“Wait, that’s your real name?”

“Yeah.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. Is Ben yours?” Remus said it a little cruelly. He was losing his patience.

“‘Course it isn’t.”

“Oh.” Remus felt dumb. Did everyone use fake names? Why hadn’t he thought of that?

“Ben” didn’t seem to mind. “Do you live close to here?” he asked.

“Not really.”

“Then why d’you come all the time?”

“How do you know I come all the time?”

“Everyone knows.” Ben took a sip of his drink, rather seductively.

Remus shrugged. He didn’t really know what to say to that.

They finished their drinks in silence. Remus realized it should have felt awkward, but it didn’t. Maybe that was just the alcohol, though.

Finally, Ben placed his empty glass on the counter. He leaned close to Remus and whispered in his ear, “Do you want to go somewhere more private?”

Remus knew it was a bad idea. Apparently he had a reputation. Was this some kind of bet, or game? The first one to crack the weirdo would get a prize?

“Where did you have in mind?” he responded. He couldn’t help it... something about Ben made him feel good again. And if it was a sham, who cares? Hadn’t his whole life been a sham anyway?

—

His relationship with “Ben” didn’t last long, and Remus never did learn his real name. He sometimes wondered if he had been a famous Muggle TV star, or maybe a politician. Maybe he’d had to use a fake name to avoid being recognized and outed. In many ways, Remus was lucky to already be a misfit. There wasn’t a lot more he could do to be ostracized.

“What’s your deal?” Ben asked one morning while he was getting dressed.

“What do you mean?”

“Who hurt you? What happened?” Ben was annoyed, or maybe angry. He pulled his shirt over his head violently. 

Remus shook his head, confused. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Your last boyfriend—or wife, or something. Who was it?”

When Remus didn’t respond, Ben continued. “Whoever it was really fucked you up.” He was pacing through the room now, picking up his things. 

“I know,” Remus finally admitted. Ben stopped pacing. 

“So what happened?”

“He died.” It didn’t seem like a lie. And maybe it wasn’t. He was gone, wasn’t he? The Sirius that Remus had been in love with didn’t even exist anymore.

“Oh shit,” Ben said in a low voice, almost under his breath. He sat on the bed next to Remus, setting his things next to him. 

Remus shrugged. “It was over a year ago now. I’m over it,” he lied. 

Ben whistled. “Nah, man, I don’t think you are.”

Remus looked him in the eye.  _ So?  _ he wanted to say.  _ Are you gonna leave? _

It seemed like Ben had read his mind. “Look,” he said calmly, “I just don’t think this is gonna work.”

Remus nodded his head. There wasn’t really anything to say after that. 

Ben scooped up his pile of stuff, and left.

And that’s when Remus started drinking alone.


	3. You’d Know Perfectly Well Who I’ve Fallen For

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> May 1996

Remus and Tonks were on a stake-out for the Order, lying belly-down in the grass outside of Malfoy Manor. It was just past sunset, when the sky was still orange but the air was cool. Sirius was alive then, and they were talking about him.

“Well it doesn’t make sense, does it?” Tonks was saying. “Risking his life. What if he got caught and sent straight back to Azkaban?”

“What if any of us got caught?” Remus replied, plucking a piece of grass from the ground and wrapping it around his finger. It always amazed him how casually people talked about things like this, these days. “We’d all get sent to Azkaban for any one of the things we’ve been doing. The risk is the same for any member in the Order, including Sirius.”

“But Dumbledore thinks—”

“Yes, we all know what Dumbledore thinks.” Remus’s voice carried such a tone of finality that Tonks knew to drop it. He didn’t care what Dumbledore thought, and he was sick of talking about it. Sirius certainly brought it up often enough.

“He’s still handsome, isn’t he, even after Azkaban?” Tonks said after a minute.

“Dumbledore?” Remus joked.

Tonks rolled her eyes and gave Remus a playful shove. He let the shove roll him over, practically on his back, before he rolled back toward her theatrically.

“You  _ know _ I mean Sirius.” She was smiling from the corner of her mouth, with a laugh behind her voice, the same way Sirius did when he was teasing Remus. The resemblance really was uncanny sometimes.

Remus still found it hard to talk about Sirius without giving something away. Of course he was still handsome after Azkaban; but was Remus supposed to notice? He didn’t think he was. Sure, straight men could recognize that other straight men were attractive — but could Remus really say so, without betraying their secret? If he agreed, would a little intonation show up in his voice, proving that Remus found Sirius not only quite handsome, but sexy as well?

Instead of agreeing, Remus settled on implying that  _ Tonks _ was the one attracted to him.

“He always got the women,” Remus said with a sigh. He intended it as a joke. He thought it was pretty obvious to both of them that Tonks wasn’t interested in Sirius (they were cousins, for crying out loud!). Apparently he was wrong.

“You’d know perfectly well who I’ve fallen for,” she snapped, “if you weren’t too busy feeling sorry for yourself to notice.” Scowling, she turned away from Remus and focused all of her attention on Malfoy Manor.

Oh, no. Was Tonks actually attracted to Remus? She had to be out of her mind. Remus had never done anything to lead her to believe that he would be interested in her. 

_ Well _ … said a voice inside his head.  _ There  _ are _ all these overnight missions for the Order…  _ It was true; they had been paired up rather frequently to spy on Death Eaters, not unlike the mission they were currently on. But missions always required partners to sit very close to each other, to whisper in each others’ ears, to come up with inside jokes just to pass the time.

But, now that he thought about it, maybe he should have known. It was easy to have that kind of closeness with male partners, they wouldn’t ever dream you were attracted to them (one of the few benefits to staying in the closet). Maybe he should have seen all of his interactions with Tonks as flirting; she clearly did.

Remus wished Sirius was there; he’d know what to do. He always had girls falling over him, and he always (well...usually) let them down easy. Sirius was known in school to be a bit of a flirt, but never (well...rarely) a heartbreaker.

Remus cleared his throat. “Right, well, I mean…” he mumbled. 

“Oh, forget it,” Tonks said hastily. She rummaged in her bag, Remus was certain, just for something to do. “Chocolate frog?”

Remus nodded and took the chocolate frog from her. The weight he’d had on his shoulders the last few minutes was suddenly lifted. It seemed that Tonks, even if she fancied Remus, was okay with him not fancying her back. 

But as the night went on, it became very obvious that something in their dynamic changed. Any time Remus would try to start conversation, Tonks would either be very short or ignore him completely. Where it would have been normal to look at each other or laugh, she didn’t. She went out of her way to avoid touching him.

They didn’t see anything happen that night; no one had arrived at the building and no one had left. Remus had suspected as much; the inside intel from Snape usually proved to be a lot more valuable than any stake-outs.

In the morning, Tonks and Remus packed up their bags silently and Apparated back to headquarters. It was normal for partners to Apparate together, but Tonks Apparated first, without waiting for Remus. When he arrived back at 12 Grimmauld Place, he saw Tonks stomping down the hallway, into the kitchen. 

Lupin ignored her and hurried toward Sirius’s (their) bedroom. It was practically tradition that on days when Remus returned from missions, he would run up the stairs and find Sirius pacing back and forth across the room, from the bed they shared to the fireplace in the corner. When Sirius noticed him, he’d stop in his tracks, grin a huge grin, and run to embrace Remus. “Tell me all about it!” he’d say. 

Today was no different. They sat next to each other on the bed, like they did when they were kids, and Remus told him about what a boring failure their stake-out had been. He liked telling Sirius about the boring missions - he hoped it helped him feel less left-out.

“But more importantly, I think Tonks is in love with me,” he said.

Sirius burst out in laughter. Remus scowled.

“What? People can be in love with me!”

“Moony, it’s  _ obviously _ not that someone fell in love with you. I did, didn’t I?” he said sopppily, pulling Remus close and puckering his lips in an exaggerated, joking way. Remus rolled his eyes and pushed him away, a good-natured smile on his face.

“It’s just that,” Sirius continued, “of all the men in the Order to fall in love with, she went for the gay guy.”

“This shouldn’t be news to you, Padfoot, but I’m not the only gay guy in the Order.”

“Yeah, I’m  _ such _ a contribution to the Order...” Remus gave him a warning look, causing Sirius to stop talking. They had argued a lot about this; Remus would love for Sirius to join him on missions too, but it wasn’t up to him. And it was getting exhausting (for both of them) to hash it out every time it came up. Sirius had promised he’d try to complain a little less. 

“Anyway,” Sirius said hastily, hoping it would appease Remus. It did. “Why d’you think she’s in love with you?”

Remus explained their conversation last night, what Tonks had said, and how he felt like he may have led her on.

“That’s just, you know, how you act with your partner!”

“Don’t tell me — you’re out there flirting with Kingsley Shacklebolt?” Sirius cried, his hand on his chest and his mouth agape. 

Remus just ignored him.

“What did she mean, ‘feeling sorry for yourself’?” Sirius asked.

“I don’t have a clue. Do you think she thinks I’d fancy her back, if only I knew?”

“Could be. She’s rather good looking, isn’t she—”

“You’re only saying that because she looks so much like you.”

“So? And don’t interrupt. She’s rather good looking, isn’t she? So maybe she can’t  _ fathom _ why the dashing, available bachelor won’t return her advances,” Sirius said with a flourish. 

Remus rolled his eyes but Sirius kept the smile on his face. “So what are you going to do?” he asked, putting his arm around Remus’s shoulder.

Remus looked back at Sirius with a hopeful glint in his eye. “Well…” he said slyly. “I could tell her the truth—”

“No, absolutely not,” Sirius said, pulling his arm back to his side. 

Remus put his hands up innocently. “Okay, okay, we don’t need to tell. Even though it would make our lives so much easi—  _ okay!” _ They’d had this conversation many, many times before, not only in the last two years, but back in school, too. The funny thing was that at Hogwarts, it was Remus who hadn’t wanted anyone to know.

Remus hid his face in his hands. “I can never go on another mission with her again.”

Sirius considered that and shrugged. “Well, maybe you shouldn’t.” Remus looked up at him. “ _ Obviously _ I’m not jealous, come on. But if she thinks you’ve been flirting with her, maybe you should, you know, stop flirting with her.”

“I haven’t been flirting!”

“You know what I mean. Remove yourself from the situation. She’ll get the hint, and I’m sure she’ll fall right back out of love with you.”

Remus nodded. “Yeah, yeah, that’s alright. I’ll tell Dumbledore I don’t want to do any more missions with her!”

“Problem. Solved. It’s not too easy to love you in the first place you know—”

Remus hit Sirius in the face with a pillow, a big grin on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't read the bio on Remus over at Pottermore yet, [click here](https://www.pottermore.com/writing-by-jk-rowling/remus-lupin) to read it!


	4. Weddings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> July 1978 & July 1997

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much everyone who's been reading and left kudos and especially to those couple who've left comments! I'm really enjoying writing this (even though it's taking forever). Thank you, thank you!!

”They say you should marry your best friend,” James began. He was standing with Lily at the front table, addressing their guests. ”Which is why it's such a shame that I didn't realize Sirius was a giant flaming poofter until it was too late.” He used his champagne flute to gesture toward Sirius. Remus, beside him, turned bright red.

Lily rolled her eyes theatrically. ”Leave it to James Potter to talk about his undying love for someone else on his wedding day,” she said to the audience, smiling and laughing along.

James turned to Lily and held her hand, staring into her eyes in the way only a groom can. ”Lily, I've loved you since the day I laid eyes on you. You are the kindest, smartest, funniest witch I've ever met. I knew when I was eleven years old that you were the only one for me. It took some convincing” -- the crowd laughed -- ”but I would do it all again, ten times over, for you.”

Sirius, growing impatient, started tapping his knife on his glass. ”Kiss!” he shouted. ”Kiss!” Remus, still red, slouched in his seat, trying his best to not get noticed. Soon after, the room was filled with the sound of clinking glasses. James wrapped his arms around Lily and did a half-spin, dipping her, kissing her the exact way he had rehearsed in his head for months.

Lily, flustered and happy, emerged from the dip. She straightened up and moved a piece of hair that had fallen in her face. ”James Potter, I never thought I would see the day when I married you. At least not willingly. I'm still half afraid that this is all an elaborate, decade-long prank, and you'll be gone by the morning.” Lily sighed, as if to indicate that she was about to get mushy. ”You are smart, funny -- not that funny, stop it -- infuriating, sweet, and everything I didn't know I was looking for. I'm so glad you never gave up, and that you still choose me after all these years. Cheers, to us!” She tapped her champagne flute to James' and took a sip. Everyone in the room followed, and upbeat music started playing.

Sirius, beaming, turned to look at Remus, who was smiling but still looking a little uncomfortable. ”What?” he asked.

Remus shrugged. ”I don't know why he had to say that, about you being, you know.” Remus was trying to sound nonchalant, but Sirius could see right through him.

”Oh, come on, it was just a joke.”

”Yeah, everyone thought it was pretty funny.”

”They were laughing with me, not at me. It's fine.” Sirius was smiling at Remus, making him feel like maybe it was, indeed, fine, and he was overreacting. Remus exhaled and decided to let it go.

”Okay, okay,” he said, smiling. He could never resist smiling when Sirius was looking at him like that.

The background music stopped. ”Alright alright alright,” the lead singer of the band said with a Sonorus charm, making his voice amplify through the room. ”It's that time, ladies and gents, witches and wizards, Muggles and Squibs -- for the bride and groom's first dance as husband and wife,” he said coolly. He reminded Remus of the old school radio DJs he listened to with his dad, when he was a kid. The music started again, this time slow and romantic.

James took Lily by the hand and pulled her onto the wooden dance floor. They had a way of moving, both so confident and graceful, that made people stare at them even when they weren't dancing. But this was something else. It was like they couldn't even see the dozens of people crowding around them, smiling, taking photos, invading their privacy. They spun around the dance floor on their own little cloud, so happy and carefree. The way it was when we were in school, Remus thought. Before our friends were scattered, before our enemies became Death Eaters, before people were dying, before the war, before all of it.

”At this point, we'd like to invite all the couples out there - married or not - to join Mr. and Mrs. Potter on the dance floor,” said the lead singer. Here and there, couples were emerging from the crowd and joining in, until most of the room was dancing.

”Alright then. Let's get dancing!” Sirius downed his champagne and placed the flute definitively on the table. He grabbed Remus by the hand and pulled him away from the head table.

”Sirius -- wait -- no -- what are you -- no,” Remus said, trailing behind Sirius. Usually he didn't resist Sirius dragging him around like a child. What's the point? One way or another, Sirius would find a way to get Remus to go where he wanted to go. But this time, he planted his feet firmly in the ground and pulled back, wrenching his hand out of Sirius's grip.

Sirius turned toward Remus. ”Oh, come on,” he said. Remus couldn't tell if he was annoyed or if he was just pretending to be annoyed. ”What's the matter?”

Remus, suddenly self-conscious, said, ”I just - I don't want to dance. I'm not very good at it.”

”Oh, who cares? Nobody's good at dancing.”

”You are.”

”Well, yes, I am, but nobody's expecting you to be as good as me. They don't care.”

Remus hesitated. He wasn't worried that people will laugh at his dancing. It clicked for Sirius, and his face turned soft.

”Oh, Remus, come on, it doesn't matter. No one cares if you're dancing with me.” 

Remus didn't say anything, just looked down at his feet and shrugged. Sirius put his hand under Remus' chin and pulled his face up to look at him. ”Remus Lupin, weddings are about love. And I love you. And I want to dance with you. I don't care if the whole wedding calls us poofs. Which they won't,” he added quickly. “Come on, dance with me. Pleeeeease?”

Stupid puppy dog with his stupid puppy dog eyes.

”Okay, okay, geez.” He held out his hand, giving permission for Sirius to drag him to Hell For All I Care. When they got to the dance floor, Sirius turned toward Remus, putting one hand on his hip and taking Remus's hand in the other.

”Unless you'd rather lead?” Sirius asked, knowing the answer. Remus, smiling, just shook his head.

”You're incorrigible.”

”Thank you.”

Remus looked around. No one was looking at them; not even the Muggles. He wasn't sure what he had been expecting. For everyone to be staring at them? Pointing and laughing? No, that wasn't it, no one would be that obvious. Maybe curious glances, whispers behind cupped hands, mildly disapproving faces... But there was nothing.

Remus relaxed.

”See?” Sirius said. ”The one great thing about being so infinitesimally small in this huge universe, is that no one gives a shit about you.”

”How romantic.”

”Isn't it?”

Stupid puppy dog eyes.

He has a point though, Remus thought. It is nice that no one cares, at least not here, with his friends. The world may care; the world cares about so many stupid things. Gay, straight, pureblood, Muggle-born, the world cares about it all. But there are still good people IN the world, who don't. He's glad he found those people. His people.

”We should get married,” Sirius said suddenly. Remus looked up at him, as if daring him to say it again. ”Not now. I just mean, you know, someday.”

”Are you proposing to me, Sirius?” Remus said fake-coyly, batting his eyelashes.

”No,” he replied shortly. ”At least not yet, anyway.” There were only a few times in his life that Remus was positive that Sirius wasn't joking, and this was one of them.

”Don't be ridiculous. You don't want to get married.”

”You don't know that.”

”You've said your whole life you would never get married.”

”Well, that was before I knew I could marry a bloke, now, wasn't it?”

Remus didn't know what to think, probably because even the thought of marrying Sirius never occurred to him. Sure, he'd thought of spending the rest of his life with him -- who else? There was no one else -- but marriage? He'd never heard of something like that happening. 

”I'm not sure you can. Do wizards allow gay marriage?” he said to stall time. Truth was, now that Sirius put it out there, Remus wanted it. He wanted a big party, just like this one, where he could hold Sirius's hand, proclaim his love, and dance with him in front of a crowd of aww-ing people. He wanted people to clink their glasses for them, demanding that they kiss, and cheering when they did. He wanted to say ”my husband” without anyone looking at him like he was speaking Gobbledegook.

”Who cares?” Sirius answered. ”There are a lot of things they aren't allowing these days.”

”Sirius,” Remus said.

”Remus,” Sirius said, matching the other’s tone. ”You never go with my ideas!”

”Because they're usually stupid.”

”You think marrying me is stupid?” Sirius put on a mock-hurt face, hiding his really-hurt feelings.

”No, of course not, oh come on!” Remus said. Then, giving in, ”How would it even work?”

”Well,” Sirius said, getting excited, ”first I've got to actually propose. It's going to be all romantic like: candles, rose petals, fireworks, the whole shebang.”

”Oh really?”

”Yes, of course. And I'll get down on one knee, and I'll say, 'Remus J. Lupin, I'm crazy about you, and I'll go even crazier if I can't have you for the rest of my God-given life. Won't you marry me, please, oh please?' ...Or something like that.”

”And you're expecting me to say yes?”

”Well what else would you say? You won't possibly be able to resist my charms. I'll have fireworks, for Merlin's sake.”

”Yeah, I'm sure you will.” Remus was delighting in this. 

”And we’ll have a big party,” Sirius continued with stars in his eyes. ”With cake, and a good band, not this rubbish lot-- and an open bar.”

Remus beamed at Sirius. He didn't often allow himself to get excited for things in the far-off future, especially lately, with everything that's going on. He didn't want to set himself up for disappointment. But he could never resist Sirius's soft eyes, and the way he talks like everything will be okay, like there's nothing to worry about, that we'll win the war and live happily ever after. 

”And what about after the wedding?” Remus asked, eager to hear more.

”We’ll honeymoon, of course. Anywhere you’d like.”

”Iceland.”

”Anywhere that’s a beach,” Sirius clarified.

Remus didn't usually get to enjoy happy moments like those, but that night, dancing with Sirius at their best friend's wedding, he thought it would be okay. Just this once, he told himself, as he pulled Sirius in closer and rested his head on his shoulder; he let himself be convinced that everything was going to be okay.

 

~-~-~-~-~-~

 

“Let’s keep it small. Just us, the judge, and a couple of Muggle witnesses.”

Tonks scoffed. “That’s hardly a wedding.”

Remus took her hand in his. They were sitting together on their worn-out old couch, a couple cups of tea getting cold on the coffee table.

“Tonks, no one can know--”

“My parents already know!”

Remus closed his eyes, as if reminding himself to be patient. He squeezed her hand. “It’s too dangerous--”

“I’ve heard that one before.” Tonks pulled her hand from Remus’s. “What’s this really about?”

“It’s about the fact that marrying a werewolf is now illegal, and I don’t want anyone, least of all your parents, to get hurt.”

“Witnessing their only child’s wedding won’t hurt them, and you know it. You’re making excuses.”

Remus held his body still, deliberately preventing himself from flinching at Tonks’s true words. His efforts were noticed.

“It’s true, you’re making excuses!”

“I’m not--”

“Your body tensed, I know you, Remus. What’s the real issue here?”

Remus hesitated, twisting his hands in his lap. He wished Tonks hadn’t pulled away.

There were quite a few reasons Remus wanted to have a small wedding. For one, it really was dangerous to invite anyone to an illegal wedding. 

For another, every time he thought of a big wedding with a ton of people, he got sick to his stomach. This was probably a mix of things. He had never really wanted to marry Tonks in the first place (although by now, he’s come around to it). Having always been ashamed of being a werewolf himself, Remus found it incredibly difficult (almost impossible, really) to believe that anyone could accept it. Tonks clearly did, as deranged and defiant as it was. But he wasn’t thoroughly convinced that Tonks’s parents could fully welcome him into their family. Surely no one would want their only child to be married to a werewolf.

And lastly, Sirius. Fewer people at his wedding meant fewer people to lie to and betray.

Tonks was staring intently at Remus; she wasn’t going to let up until she got the truth from him. Or at least part of the truth….. 

“I don’t think your parents will be thrilled that you’re marrying a werewolf.” Remus bowed his head, trying to get enough sympathy for Tonks to not press into the last reason he wanted a private ceremony.

Tonks started laughing. “You’re joking, right? My parents adore you.”

“Your mum doesn’t.” Remus remembered Andromeda, so much like her sister Bellatrix. Poised and collected, no doubt a result of her Pureblood upbringing and Slytherin heritage.

“Yes, she does, she just has an odd way of showing it. It’s not easy for a Black to wear their heart on their sleeve.” Remus’s insides squirmed at the mention of Sirius’s family. Tonks misunderstood his uncomfortableness as disbelief. “Come on,” she said kindly, putting her arm tenderly around his shoulders. “You’re forgetting that my mum married a Muggleborn. She understands what it’s like to fall in love with someone the world might not fully accept.”

Remus smiled at her. “If it means that much to you. Your parents only.”

Tonks clapped her hands with glee. “I knew I’d win,” she said, nipping at his ear.

Remus still wasn’t thoroughly convinced.

\--

Their wedding two weeks later was as small as they’d discussed: them, the officiant, and Tonks’s parents as witnesses. Tonks had purchased navy dress robes for Remus and a flowing white gown for herself. She wore her hair in a long, intricate braid that went down her back and landed about her knees. Andromeda had placed tiny flowers throughout the plait, enchanting them to glow and bloom in a never-ending cycle. As usual, she wasn’t wearing makeup, but her cheeks were flushed with happiness.

Remus had never seen her look so pretty.

They stood in the back patio of a small Muggle inn in the countryside. They had paid the owner to reserve the entire patio. When it was all over, they were going to Obliterate her memory, along with the officiant’s. 

The officiant was quick, as instructed. Ted stood there beaming and proud. Andromeda wiped tears from her eyes. Remus told himself they were tears of happiness, but a cutting voice in his head contradicted him.

After the ceremony, they changed into Muggle clothes and had drinks in the hotel bar to celebrate. At the end of the night, Ted and Andromeda hugged both of them, kissing Tonks on the cheek, and they all Apparated home.

It wasn’t quite the wedding he’d imagined in his youth, but it was good. He was happy, he was safe, and he was loved, at least for a few hours.


End file.
